Silent Retreat & Solo Raft Trip

I’m reporting from my first solo raft trip in the Utah desert. I dreamed up this spiritual quest earlier this year, wanting to be silent and alone for a significant amount of time. A wise friend recommended to pick a happy and comfortable place for this endeavor so I decided on my favorite desert river for 4 days and 3 nights.  Hanging out on a lazy river beach and sleeping under the stars is one of my very favorite things to do. I’ve been on plenty of overnight raft trips, so the rafting and camping portion of the trip didn’t seem daunting to me. It’s the solo, silent, spiritual quest piece that felt a lot more outside of my comfort zone. 

There comes a time when a deep desire for holiness and spirituality arises in all of us. Something that would make our lives meaningful, rich, happy and joyous. I thought what better way to find my bliss than to be by myself and commune with nature, God, Mother Earth, Angels, the Universe, whatever you want to call it. I wanted to feel brave and fierce; to push myself and do something meaningful. 

Day 1: I’m off on my 4 day silent retreat vision quest of sorts. I drove to the put in, launched and spent a couple of hours on the river. I got to my little beach in the middle of the canyon and set up camp. So far so good. I stayed here for the next two days so that I would have nothing meaningful to do (like breaking down camp and rafting) and could focus on meditating, praying, and just being. No phone, no service, no distractions. The few photos I took are from this day.

Day 2: My self prescribed day of silent meditation without distractions. I got up, meditated for maybe 10 minutes, made a cup of coffee, sat and looked at the river for a while. Started journaling, looked at the river some more and thought to myself - this is going to be the longest day of my life. While I felt peaceful I was bored and yes, I admit, restless. I started questioning why I’m doing this. Luckily that passed. I got into the groove and just sat. I sat in the shade, moved with the shade, looked at the canyon, sat under my umbrella, watched the river flow by, swam, stared at the river some more, and sat. I blew up my innertube and floated in the eddy for a quite a while. As I was communing with the river, the sun was sparkling so beautifully and I felt like the sparkles were love flowing into me. I started feeling pure joy and bliss. I relaxed into it, I looked at the sky, looked at the birds, looked at the canyon and mostly just watched the river flow by. Took a little nap, journaled some more, watched the river flow by, and before I knew it night time was back and the day was over. It was good. I was good. I wanted more and decided to stay at this beach another day. 

Day 3: I spent plenty of time watching the river and being mindful but also decided to finally pick up a book and do some reading. I realized that I might have been trying too hard to make this solo spiritual quest thing perfect. What if I let go of my expectations and just go with the flow? That’s when it clicked. I was kind and easy on myself and just did what felt right. More joy and happiness started flowing in. It was beautiful just to be, nobody needs anything from me, nothing is bothering me and more importantly, I don’t need to just sit there all day. I just need to do whatever feels right. And that’s a magical thing.

I’m not going to lie, the trip wasn’t all blissful and easy. I did feel bored, and I missed my people. I’m an extrovert and like to be with people. In no time these feelings passed and it was so peaceful. I knew I was going home soon so those feelings were manageable.

Day 4: I was surprised at how sad I was to leave.  I packed up and spent the morning rafting down the river not really wanting to leave yet. I stopped for a long lunch. Another hour to the take out. The shuttle driver had promptly delivered my car, I packed up and chatted with some locals swimming in the river. I turned on my phone to report back safely. As I was driving through the desert landscape and away from the river I wanted to cry. I had been warned that I likely would be doing some crying on my quest but that hadn’t happened for me on the river. Yet now, in my car, I wasn’t ready for “real life, "for the phone and for communicating. I needed some more time. I pulled over into the “Valley of the Gods” and cried for a bit. I looked at the sky and felt the love. I vowed to be back soon and next time to stay an extra day. Now I’m ready to go home! I’m excited to go home. Back to my wonderful life. 

Verdict: At the risk of sounding super cheesy - I’m no longer afraid of being on my own or being bored. I find this incredible. I can’t quite believe it yet. I’m feeling renewed and like a better and happier version of myself. Happiness is an inside job, it’s inside me, regardless of what is happening to me or outside of me.  I highly recommend taking some time for digital detox and spend time communing with nature. Just go to wherever that happy place may be for you. Be blessed and be safe!

Love Claudia